A Thing Most Wanted
by Kalianah
Summary: It was always going to be the two of them, in the end. Reylo AU One-Shot.


" _ **She said she knew we were safe with you, and always would be, because once, when she asked you to, you'd given up the thing you most wanted.**_

 _ **Archer received this strange communication in silence. His eyes remained unseeingly fixed on the thronged sunlit square below the window. At length he said in a low voice: "She never asked me."  
― Edith Wharton, The Age of Innocence**_

It had only been a fortnight since she felt Kylo Ren finally kill the master that had held sway over his mind for the past seventeen years. Rey closed her eyes against the memory of him slipping out of her bed that morning, the words they had exchanged, and then the cold feeling of darkness rushing through their bond.

It was a decision he had hidden from her, she realized now; he had known that Rey would've demanded he used help, used _her_. But Kylo had kept his feelings and intentions shuttered from her view, he was still stronger than she was at keeping things hidden from her, despite their force bond.

They had argued many times about killing Snoke; Kylo was always adamant that it was a suicide mission that would prove fruitless in the end - Rey was willing to take that chance. He refused to even talk about it now, shutting the conversation down at the slightest mention of it. And so during their sporadic meetings and force bond conversations, they built a world where the darkness of Snoke didn't exist. It was his sanctuary, and her wild rebellion.

The day before, Rey had sat in the cockpit of the _Millenium Falcon,_ waiting for the sound of footsteps on the ramp. She didn't know why she waited to hear them, because she felt his presence as soon as his ship set down; Rey felt the deliberate stomping of his feet as he walked towards her ship.

And as Kylo Ren entered the ship, she ran at him with barely concealed excitement, but she stopped short of him as she saw his cold and conflicted expression. Rey felt along the edges of their bond and was met with a rush of painful emotions.

"Kylo?" She asked softly; he still hadn't looked at her since she had run up to him.

Fear crept inside of her; Rey had long ago learned to push down her fear of him and his darkness temporarily, but it was always present and this time she was losing control of it.

He must have felt it, because Kylo Ren looked at her finally, his eyes wet with an emotion even he couldn't name. She swallowed her surprise as he pulled her roughly towards him, pressing his lips insistently against hers. Rey's fear was quickly replaced with the familiar action and her hands gripped Kylo's shoulders as she opened her mouth to his.

Rey hadn't understood the desperate way he clung to her that night, the way he gripped her hips hard enough to bruise as she moved on top of him. Kylo was on the edge of desperation as he watched her come on his hand, refusing to let her eyes waver from him even as Rey let out a guttural moan and nearly passed out.

They met like this several times a year, but Rey knew that this time was different. She fell asleep surrounded by his limbs, legs wrapped around hers, arms around her stomach and her back against his hard chest.

Kylo's dreams had been fitful and Rey woke up, watching the tremors of fear race across his face; the bond was more relaxed now, but all she could feel was a battering ram of confusion.

They had barely spoken since he had arrived, but when Kylo woke up and saw her looking at him, he immediately withdrew and stood up.

"What's wrong, Kylo?" Rey asked, watching him dress; he avoided her gaze, but was watching her still-naked body move along the warm sheets.

He pulled on his shirt and finally met her stare, "Why are you concerned about me?"

Rey's concern fled at his deflection and she kicked the sheets off and stood in front of him, "Listen here, Kylo Ren, _your_ emotions affect _me_ because of the force bond _you created._ Don't stand there and pretend that whatever is going on has nothing to do with me."

He stared at her blazing eyes and face flushed with anger. In the next heartbeat, she felt a sagging emptiness as he shut her off from the bond, "My apologies, I will focus more on controlling my side of the bond."

Rey huffed, frustrated; that hadn't been what she meant, but didn't feel like arguing with him anymore. Clearly whatever disgusting, bizarre relationship they had was over now. That must be why he was so torn - he had come to say goodbye. And Kylo Ren was awful at dealing with complicated emotions.

They dressed in silence after that, and as he picked up his helmet Rey flinched. Kylo held it to his side as she pressed the fear down again.

"I don't know why you…keep asking me here if you're still so afraid of me."

Rey looked at him in surprise at the sadness in his voice, "I'm not afraid of you."

"Yes you are. And you should be. I'm a monster, I'm still a monster no matter how many times we do this. There's nothing else for me, Rey."

She had wanted to respond, but couldn't find the words; Rey didn't even realize he had turned to go until minutes later, lost in her head.

Rey had wanted to correct him, but she knew ultimately he was right; Kylo Ren was still someone to be feared, Snoke's creature - his Scourge. She shook off the rush of uncertainty and lifted off, returning to the Resistance Base. The skin where he had gripped her pushed against the seatbelts and she hissed in pain, but welcomed the reminder.

She didn't understand why it had felt so much like a goodbye, but she understood hours later as the block on their bond dropped like a rock and all Rey felt was his gasps of breath and the sheer determination as he took hit after hit from Snoke's force spells, slipping on the blood that had been spilled in the fight prior, coating the floor with pools of dark red.

Her heart beat faster as she realized what was happening; Rey felt him push through the invisible force wall that slowed his movements, to finally reach his destination. She felt Kylo's lightsaber slice off Snoke's head in a vicious blow, sending it rocketing at the wall.

She gasped in shock and delight, but instead of elation from Kylo Ren, she felt nothing but the cold hand of darkness descending upon him. He stood there in the chamber, chest heaving with the heady labor of an intense fight, but Rey felt his emotions clearly: rage and bitterness.

Despite her terror and confusion, Rey forced herself into his mind from where she stood in the Resistance base on D'Qar. _Kylo. It's done, you're done. Don't let him take this last thing from you._

 _I have nothing left to take, scavenger. I have ascended. This is my rightful place, as was foretold._

Rey felt her eyes prickle with tears, _This is not what you were meant for, Kylo._

She felt bitter laughter along their bond, _And what was I meant for?_ _ **You?**_ _I told you I was a monster, but now I see I was wrong. The galaxy will thank me after I rid it of the last remaining Jedi. You were right about me. I will come for you, then we will end this once and for all._

And with that, he walled himself off again and left Rey to sag down to the floor in the middle of the walkway. They had made so much progress, she thought. He had actually laughed with her a few times. He spoke of the times before he had been sent away, of memories with his father. He had spoken of her with so much hope, even though he knew it was impossible for more reasons than just that he was on the opposite side. The fact that he even had hope warmed Rey's heart, and even though she was terrified of the man he was, she saw the man he could be and dreamed.

Leia and Luke had known of their bond; might even have realized where she went every few months. They had kept their hope shuttered, but now…she wasn't sure how to tell them that Kylo Ren had been born anew and no one was prepared for who he was now. Despite being cut off from his mind, she still felt the ripples of his emotions and the darkness would've overwhelmed her had she not had a firm grip on her mind.

So she kept quiet, and told Leia privately that the next time the Resistance launched an attack on the First Order, she needed to be on the ground. Thankfully, Leia asked no more explanation of her and just nodded.

And so it was that Rey, a fortnight later, arrived on Coyerti with the ground troops of the Resistance, prepared for a battle with the First Order base. They were a key strategic point for the First Order who, despite being significantly weakened by the loss of their Supreme Leader, were still a formidable enemy. It would still be a tough battle, Rey knew, but that wasn't her concern right now.

She felt Kylo Ren's presence the moment she stepped foot on the planet, and his words _I will come for you_ rang in her mind as twigs snapped beneath her feet as she walked in the forest. Rey had given the troops explicit instructions to stay away from where ever she was, knowing he would seek her out and leave the rest of the army alone.

She felt him before he appeared, pulled up to his full height, without his mask to guard his features. Rey found herself wishing he had the mask back, because nothing in his eyes or face spoke of the softness she had come to know in his moments with her.

"Weakness. That is what I would call it," he plucked her thoughts out of her mind so easily, as always. He stared at her intently, face blank, "You no longer fear the First Order, which is no matter to me. It is only I you must fear. You don't deserve to live, Jedi."

Neither of them moved from their spots in the grotto, which was so like the one where they had first met. They just stared at each other, his eyes as intense as ever, her heart squeezing; she didn't understand why it was so hard to face him. He had been passionate, yes - and almost kind; but every time he left her, she still saw Resistance sympathizers falling beneath his lightsaber.

The one good thing he had done was kill Snoke, but she knew it was only for power - he was nothing like the man she spoke with at night. Sharing quiet longings through their bond across the galaxy, meeting quietly in her ship, embracing their private world for a few blissful days.

"You don't have to fight me, Kylo. I know this isn't what you really want, come with me." Rey hated that her voice quivered with fear, but this was the man of her nightmares, not her dreams.

Kylo's face showed nothing, but she felt his fleeting despair as if it were something he was scared to even hold on to, needing the rage to fuel his strength in the dark side. "You know nothing of what I wanted."

And to that, she had no response; he met the silence with the sound of a lightsaber activating and Rey held herself, stopping her foot from stepping away from him. She was on the edge of terror and anger, and that was when the first image hit her, of him leading the Knights of Ren into the rooms where Luke's padawans slept, running them through with his new and unstable lightsaber.

Rey grit her teeth, knowing he threw these memories at her to rattle her; she could no longer escape the fact that it was Snoke's Kylo Ren who stood before her, and not the man whom she had talked to for nights on end. There was no hope that her words could pull him back from the dark abyss.

Rey pulled out her lightsaber and it lit up her face with green light; Jedi fought as a last resort, but anger coursed through her as she was reminded - vividly - of how very dark Kylo Ren really was.

Rey ran at him with no semblance of finesse, forgetting so much of what she was taught about sword play; all she could focus on was the question: _who knew how much more carnage he would be responsible for now that Snoke was gone?_ She grit her teeth as he parried her blows almost casually, as if he was going through the motions of a choreographed play.

He kept her rage flowing with a constant stream of images of all the people he had killed and all his plans for the future - a future without the Resistance. She didn't know what her endgame was; Luke had warned her that everything he knew about force bonds suggested that the death of one of them would leave the other with an aching emptiness for the rest of their life.

Rey shook the memory away as something flickered along the force bond, so quickly she almost didn't catch it as she jumped away from one of his blows and took a swipe at his back, narrowly missing. _Rey. Please._

She stumbled for just a moment at the fragile voice, _End this. Let me be free._ It sounded so weak, Rey wasn't even sure it wasn't just in her mind. He didn't seem to notice that his mind had let the words slip.

Kylo advanced on her, "All this could have been yours if you had joined me, Rey. I know you wanted me desperately, all the time; your mind was so open, so naïve. You actually thought any of that was _real?"_

The dark laughter didn't affect her as much as it could have, because as they continued their blows, she saw a memory - the night before he killed Snoke. He had wanted to tell her something - a price.

Kylo nearly knocked her lightsaber out of her hands with her distracted mind, "You actually think I _liked_ being with you? I knew that your feelings would be your undoing when we met again. You meant nothing to me."

Rey couldn't understand why his words cut her so deep; she had always known he was a monster who refused any attempts to change, but she was still drawn to him time after time. Almost entirely against her will, she had fallen in love with him.

Shaking her head, Rey stepped back locked lightsabers with him, neither moving - a mirror of their battle on Starkiller Base. "What was the price, Kylo?" She whispered inches from his face.

He stumbled backwards, eyes wild and furious at the same time. Rey shut her lightsaber off and asked the question again, but with more force. "What did you not tell me?"

Kylo let out a loud yell and she felt the frustration that she wasn't fighting him anymore, but she saw in his mind - killing Snoke meant taking on his powers. He had known that action would complete his conversion to the dark side, there would be no turning back - he had known it all along. It was why Kylo had fought against her every time; it wasn't that he didn't want to be free for her, it was that he knew the action would seal his fate.

No one could escape the darkness after that, not even for fleeting moments on her ship.

But he had steeled himself towards the decision; he hadn't been able to bear the thought of not saying goodbye, even if Kylo left her thinking he would always be a monster - that it was how he liked it.

Rey finally understood all of the emotions that had been rippling off of him that night, the biting conversation the morning after as he left. The pain that hit her as he had realized she truly did see him as a monster.

But he had not wavered, and Rey saw his confidence that she would eventually find a way to kill him before he was able to follow through on Snoke's plan to destroy all hope in the galaxy. He had known she would kill him.

Rey reeled at this and her voice was soft as she spoke, softer than it should've been, "Why? We talked about this before, we could've done it tog-"

"THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE." He finally screamed, and spun the lightsaber in his hand as he swung at her again, and she barely had time to duck. "It was my destiny, my birthright _."_

Her anger was gone and instead she felt nothing but compassion; Rey knew he would hate that - another weakness. She saw more of his memories, of him accepting that his death would be a price he would willingly pay for all the sorrow he had brought to the world. To his family.

It was a price she had never asked him to pay, but he had. Because he loved her. The knowledge thundered through her entire soul and she choked back an anguished cry.

"You didn't bring only sorrow, Kylo," she said fervently even as she ignited her lightsaber in defense once more.

"Tell that to my mother," he spoke with force as he swung his blade. "And _you._ You hated yourself, what we did, because of me. Because I refused to change."

He was more aggressive now, but instead of shots of his atrocities all she felt was whispers of the Kylo she had known, begging her to kill him and her heart ached. She didn't understand any of this, why she was here in this moment, why she felt so _much_ for him. Rey had no reason to spare him, no reason to feel so torn, but she was - his darkness had scared her, but Kylo Ren…she loved.

Kylo growled as her emotions hit him and redoubled his efforts; it was ridiculous, she had to end this, even Master Luke would've spoken the same - he who had so much faith in his father that he had been willing to die to prove it.

Kylo Ren was not Darth Vader. He had gone too far - in righting his wrongs and killing Snoke, he had fallen into the darkness until it had consumed him completely. He was no longer the Kylo Ren who held such a small flame of hope of building something with her - something like lo-

"Please don't make me do this," Rey sobbed.

Kylo just kept slashing with his lightsaber, using the force to disrupt her foot work, but she saw flashes of little Ben Solo, trailing after his mother as she walked the halls of the latest diplomatic setting. Rey sobbed at the image, watching the man who had held her as a lifeline fight her so viciously, wanting her death. But it was Ben who called out to her, begging for death.

Rey remembered what Luke had said, "You will have to face him one day, Rey. Will you be strong enough to do what is necessary?"

As she blocked his blows, scrambling for higher ground, she shook her head. Kylo had been wrong, she wasn't strong enough to kill him like this. Out of hatred.

She still only felt his rage and thirst for her death. But finally, she understood what was necessary, though she was certain it was not what Luke had meant.

Rey felt the blow coming and knew she could spin away, but instead she stood still and allowed his lightsaber to strike through her chest. As she collapsed against him, his arm grabbed her, preventing her from falling; Kylo gasped her name in utter shock, as if a spell had been broken.

Rey looked into the eyes of the Kylo Ren she loved; the shock of running his sword through her had pulled him out of the dark abyss. She felt his agony as he realized why she had done it, and felt one word throb against her mind.

 _Please._

She closed her eyes and sobbed as she thrust her own lightsaber into his body in a macabre mirror of her own wound and his eyes went wide as he whispered her name like a caress.

Kylo had been right, all those times they had spoken in whispers. She had been so lonely, and the only time she had felt she had fit was in the space between sleeping and dreaming - and when she was with him. When she had learned of a different Kylo Ren; she had hoped for something - Kylo had felt it, but never brought it up.

Rey had seen that lingering hope as their death knell. Their story was not written in the stars, but in the whirlwind of fate. And it whipped them back and forth until it had left them bruised and broken.

He kept whispering her name as his head buried itself in the crook of her neck and he shuddered as her arm went around his body, pulling them closer even as their lightsabers slid further into their bodies. The words _Thank you_ rolled through her mind as she felt his relief roll through him.

Rey's forehead pressed into his neck and Kylo felt her tears against his cheek. There were no words that could be spoken, too little time left together, but as their life force bled out in the grotto, they whispered goodbye on the threads of their bond. They were filled with longing, regret, forgiveness…and love. Neither were able to speak, but their bond was strong even now, and neither could tell where one ended and the other began.

Kylo felt her body sag against his before he faded as well. He hit the ground, still holding her, tears streaming down his face.

 _You were the best of me,_ he thought as he drifted into the quiet of death, Rey still wrapped in his arms.


End file.
